If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
