My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
