This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
