my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Who died my cat blue again?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
