just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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