So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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