Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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