I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
