NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I looked at my own cervix.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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