Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
