Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
How does one acquire holy water?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
