Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
