So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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