my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
