what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
