I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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