You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
