she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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