Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize