My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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