Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
