Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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