Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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