In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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