Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
