haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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