I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I believe in your delicious
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
