you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
