My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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