goodnight i made you a song goodbye
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Randomize
