I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
