Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
