just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just pynch a tree in the face
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize