i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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