please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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