Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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