it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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