This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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