he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
