Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
