I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
