so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
