A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
