So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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