The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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