So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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