It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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