I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just had sex on a roof
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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