my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize