Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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