i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
