You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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