I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
