I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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