Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
