In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Barsexuality is the new black.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
