My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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