Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
