my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
