nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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